Posted in Uncategorized

The string.

Push and pull.. the string.

you control the distance;

you control who stays and who don’t;

you pull it backward to permit few to be close..

not close enough to hurt; to see the scars; to reveal the secret.

you lock them away ( or maybe yourself ) in the safe zone.

Nobody can / will cross the line;

And if someone did ! “even if its unintentionally”; you push it strongly forward to the farthest it can be;

You know you need some of them around; You pull it back and when you feel the danger .. the string becomes in its loosest forms.

You know you are building your wall so high that no one can climb it.

Posted in Uncategorized

Optimistic or Faithful ?!

well lets start with a fact that i couldn’t be counted on team optimism, never been.

always tend to choose the worst/darkest side of anything, didn’t expect too much out of anything to avoid frustration & depression.
it might be am just choosing the safest side ? may be .. i think .. who knows anyway ?

the past few months was too busy, doing too many things graduation project, community service , preparing for my final exams and so on..

i was putting all my time & effort in all these stuff, as am a person who is seeking perfection i couldn’t handle seeing unfinished work, was working too hard to have it all done perfectly,

i do believe in this : “the result of  your equation is known from the given you already have “ , i had all the given; the material, my time, my effort, then according to my theory i should not worry about the result but i should because there is only one factor could turn this upside down its Conciliation, so without it its all done none of this will work,

i needed conciliation badly whether in my exams or in my project and in my interviews for the job vacancies i applied for,

through all of that i was trying to figure out this :” am i an optimistic person ? am i that person & i wasn’t really showing ? or am just too faithful to believe in god & in myself ?” when i was pretty sure of what i did and the effort & time i spent to get that finished i was kinda sure of how the result should be but was waiting for conciliation to show its effect

every time i went to exam, every time i went for an interview, the moment i stood presenting my grad. project i was comfortable with what i did, i have done everything i was asked to do.

i got accepted at one int. and right before i receive the job, some problems popped out bec. of bad timing i was supposed to get hired and have exams at same time so that was impossible, i quit, but was too satisfied, thanking god for what happened although i wanted this job badly but i won’t cry on something wasn’t mine already, who knows may be it wasn’t good for me, may be its just fate, i told myself & was speaking to God :  ” i know you are saving something better for me, you know how hard i want a job as soon as possible, so i know you’ll give me what i deserve now or later, there’s something for me out there and i’m waiting” .

i don’t exactly know is this optimism or faith ? after too many thinking i came out with this: optimism is a result of strong faith, faith will never be there if you are not pretty sure of what you did , – when you work hard for something, when you put all what you have in something, & you do your thing perfectly -, you consequently have faith/ belief in yourself, in your goal , you believe eventually in God who was witnessing all what you did, so you are expecting a result according to the given that you have put in the equation, then you become seeing the bright side of whatever happen & that makes you optimistic by the way.

work hard + believe in yourself + believe in god’s power + conciliation = faith = optimism

see i might be both characters the pessimistic & the optimistic one, it depends

we can’t say this person is pessimistic or optimistic, its a range, we can’t be counted on one of the two poles only, it depends on the situation, the given, the faith, it depends on changeable circumstances.

optimism is not too far from faith both are directly proportional, both relate to each other strongly with what you are willing to do.

Posted in 2013, Diary, memories

the moment i knew you left

Well 1st of all let me start by a wish : I do really wish from deep inside my heart that no one loses someone close to them.

Years ago I lost the dearest person in my life .. my grandma

As my mom was the youngest of her brothers & sisters, she was the closest to grandma’s heart & so did we (my brother & I), she was ready to do anything for us, she always wanted us to be the best in everything,

her place was the only place where i felt safe, even more than our own home, i remember when i was young i didn’t knew what is a “storm” all i knew was when the weather is bad & wind blowing then its time to go to stay at her place, where we always felt & knew what warmness is..

one of the happiest moments of my life was when she decides to have a sleep over with us,i still feel how was the excitement for the preparations before she arrives. my brother & i used to fight about who’s room she will stay in,

everything was too good when you were here

winter was perfect when you were here

weekends was different, you used to have all the family -sons, daughters, grand children- at your home every week,

i was strong when you were there, i always knew you got my back.

still remember the moment i knew you left, the day before i cried like i never did before & i don’t even remember why, i woke up, went to school, in the middle of the day a teacher came told me my dad was here so be ready to go now,i didn’t know why but knew there’s sth wrong, dad is here , mom not , he brought my brother too & we’re not driving back home, we are going to yours, we arrived, dad left, no one was there except the housekeeper so she told me “your grandma had a sudden heart attack and she is hospital now” i was too shocked that i didn’t even get mad at her, after a while, was calling dad & his voice is not OK,

– “dad, what’s wrong? ”

– “nothing”

– *yelling* “dad, i said what’s wrong?”

– “your grandma has died”

i said nothing & ended the call instantly

after few hours, her house started to be crowded, all family members are here, all in black, all crying, too many sad faces, – all this time i haven’t seen/talked to my mom, later when she arrived at grandma’s house i was avoiding seeing her, i knew she’d be devastated, when finally decided to go n see her, she was sitting on a bed carrying grandma’s clothes and crying hysterically calling her name, i took her between my arms and we both cried.

the whole family stayed their all night, me and dad went home to change and to be ready for the funeral at the early morning, on our way home i insisted to listen the whole story, with non-stop crying i couldn’t sleep, woke up early , wear all black for the 1st time, went to her home & for the 1st time she wasn’t there sitting on her chair smiling as usual, people were in hurry, being ready to go and have the final look on her, the whole death thing was new for me , so i was shocked, nervous, weak , feeling bitterness, & not crying too much, not believing any of what’s happening, we walked into the hospital, entered a room where she was there all covered in white, i couldn’t get any closer to her, stood at a distance where i can see her while prayers are being said, haven’t kissed her, couldn’t, i just couldn’t it was too hard for me & i regret it btw.

i went out the room, we walked in the funeral, thankfully i didn’t saw her going down, but stood there witnessing every single face with a tearful eye, my mom was sitting on a chair, she wasn’t able to move, crying n crying and i was speechless,

back to her home, too many people was there offering their condolences, all what i remember then was sawing her (grandma) coming out of the bathroom, n i heard her voice calling mom with the nickname she always used to call her by, it was like she was refusing to leave us, i know you were here, but the fact that i won’t be able to see/talk to you again is killing me, 8 years since you left & i still smell you whenever i walk into your house, 8 years and i still refuse to believe that you are gone, i refuse to believe that you will not be able to be with me in my special moments,

well grandma your grand daughter is about to graduate from college, i know you’d be happy and flying over the moon in such moment & i would have been so much happier if you were here, but i know you are already here somehow, so thank you for the most beautiful 15 years i have had with you, thank you for everything, you will always be in my heart, your story will be told and it will live forever.

sleep well grandma  ;*

Posted in 2013, Diary, memories, thoughts

The reflex action

Everyone knows that for every action there is a reaction.

But there is not a rule which states that for this certain “action” there has to be this certain “reaction”; this rule doesn’t exist

The reaction is just a very spontaneous reflection which comes out according to what we’ve just heard or seen; it depends on the situation & the surrounding circumstances

When they try to capture this ‘reaction’ moment in movies they use stereotyping,

The majority is using the same basic idea for a ‘reaction’, for example in any of the movies if it happened &there was a death scene usually they tend to use the same ‘reaction’; the one who have just heard the bad news or saw someone dead they start crying and shouting hysterically without even giving time to this character to think about what they have just heard or seen

I’m not saying it happens in all movies but most of them tend to use stereotyping;

Yes this hysterical ‘reactions’ happen in real life but it’s not the only one,

For me I have never imagined myself in similar situations, never thought of what will happen if I was told that anybody I know is dead & as I used to think of myself as a weak person  – I always had this perception of me – falling, crying hysterically .

But when it did happen & I was told that my uncle was dead, I was surprised really surprised of my “reaction”; my family and my uncle used to live in the same building two floors away, so I used to see him a lot, when he got sick and moved to the hospital it was only couple of days then at one day we had this phone call saying its emergency you have to be at the hospital now, it was 9:00 am so my parents left & I was all alone after 2 or 3 hrs I found a cousin standing at our door, ringing the bell, I opened the door, asked her how is uncle and she replied with very low voice as if she was whispering, she was too reluctant to talk then she said it out loud “ your uncle is dead now, pray for him”; here comes the surprise, all what I did is standing with an open mouth for seconds and that’s it, no crying, no screaming, nothing of these things that we are used to, just sat down thinking of what she just said & the crying thing came afterwards at night when we were with his family after the funeral.

the same thing happened to me again in 2009,it was my first year at college & I was in the middle of my exams, when we had this shocking news; we knew my father had colon cancer, it’s diff. the way you used to deal with the word “cancer” all your life, feel sorry for these people who have it, it’s totally diff. when you have it in your own home & it happens to choose the most important person in your life, the same ‘reaction’ happened .. No crying, no screaming, no extreme attitude; all what happened is that I was under the shock, it felt like “everything is under control but actually it is not “I remained in this shock until the operation day.

At this point exactly everything was turned upside down, at first I walked into the hospital holding his hand calm and quiet, it was fine until the moment that I saw him on the troll in that blue shirt to be ready for the surgery, I burst out with tears, was crying like I have never cried before, thankfully he had the surgery done and he is fine now.

So I think I am one of those who remain under the shock for a while & then starts to realize how big the situation is & it turns out that I’m not that weak girl who will fall down the moment she hears anything bad, no I am not like the stereotyping character in movies not at all.

In fact I don’t even know whether this is good or not ??!