Posted in 2018, Free Writing, thoughts

On Strength.


Strength is that call you make right after your favorite uncle’s death to tell everyone he is gone.

Strength is holding your breath when you knew your dad has stage 2 cancer.

You keep assuring people you are strong, but they keep saying that’s just what you want to think.

They haven’t seen you, they haven’t seen how you see him everyday after he broke your heart and you are acting just fine.

They define strength with sharpness. They see strength as a heartless, cold person who doesn’t give a sh** about the world. But strength for you is different!

Its falling in love but staying half conscious to save yourself when needed.

Strength and confidence are best fits or so I think. Sometimes it comes in the form of sitting alone having dinner all by yourself in a community that would think you are crazy if you did. And sometimes it comes in the form of handling death starting with that phone call you make to tell everyone it happened.

What is strength for you?

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Posted in 2018, Diary, poetry, thoughts

Perfectionists are not Allowed! #UnfinishedWork


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Somewhere only we know </3

They taught me how to say ” Astaghferu Allah”. They say it helps in the healing process.

So I remembered their words!

“Astaghferu Allah”

I get busy and bury myself in endless tasks at work.

I read your name on my mobile. I get stuck.

Eyes fixed on the screen, mind reliving our moments together.

“Astaghferu Allah”, I say.

“Focus. You have work to do, deadlines to meet. Focus.” – said the distracted mind.

I saw you. I saw you putting your arms around her as you walked down the hall.

It makes sense! She is now closer to you than I used to do. The sight of you two puts extra weight on my heart, but I push a smile anyway.

That is what they taught me. Fake it until you make it. So I try.

A sigh.

“Astaghferu Allah”

I am on my way home, I pass by your house. Your perfume “my favorite” is in the air.

Heart pounding. Heartbeats racing. Tears pouring.

I catch myself crying. Stop! Remember the smile. So I smile.

“Astaghferu Allah”

I walk. Faster steps, unsteady but fast.

I leave with no look backs for today!

I repeat “Astaghferu Allah”. They said it is a pain killer, so I overdosed it.

 

— Astaghferu Allah: is a religious saying in Islam that means Ask for God’s forgiveness, help, and support. A mean of worship that is always thought to be good to start your prayers with. —

 

DISCLAIMER: This is not the final version. It is subjected to edits that should be applied soon.

Would love to hear feedback thou! Thanks xoxo

 

Posted in 2018, Diary, health, thoughts

Sprained Ankle Vs. Amputation


Couple of months ago my aunt had a terrible accident and had to go through Amputation (removal of a limb). The after-effect of the surgery was horrifying she was in complete denial and in pain of course, but the physical pain wasn’t as bad as the psychological one.

She would stay nights screaming out of disbelief, discomfort and of shock! She was an active woman who worked hard, she was divorced and her 2 kids were already married. So she knew she would be all alone at home, paralyzed. Horrible feeling.

It was a shock to the whole family, my father was at heartbreak, he didn’t quite digest the fact that this has just happened to his older sister.

We felt sorry, we support, we visit. But only she, stays with the pain, only she who has to handle the situation.

Today, I fainted and sprained my ankle all of a sudden. Terrible feeling specially that I was home alone, it was painful. I have a doctor appointment this evening for a check-up and to see what exactly should be done. However, I know for sure that I will have to stay home for couple of days at least in addition to recovery time.

I had big plans for this week, I was just starting to commit running and becoming fit, I have a lot of stuff to be done at work and tons of stuff to be done with the family before the holiday. Just the thought of me not being able to pursue any of those drove me crazy.

After taking my breath! This situation was a pointer to the pain and the terrifying circumstances my aunt is currently living. It reminded me that there is a woman right now at her home alone, a reminder of how she feels everytime she looks at her leg.

I may be a little bit dramatic, emotional but I just wanted to share this for now.

May you never experience such situation, and may you all stay in good health.

Cheers,

Posted in 2017, Diary, facts, memories, thoughts, travel

Heart left & breath taken in Canada!


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2017 is coming to an end, and I would love to take this chance and express my gratitude for this beautiful year as I embarked on journey I never thought I would do. I experienced both good and bad moments, however I am still thankful for those bad ones. It means I have lived, experienced and learned something, I have a story to tell.

This year I traveled to Canada with a friend, a traveler who had visited the country many times before. The best travel buddy I had so far!

For couple of weeks I lived in Canada as a local. We wandered around, we drank coffee all the time, we ate burgers, we went shopping together, we laughed a lot and we fell in love. Yes we did!

It didn’t happen in one night and it didn’t start from scratch. We both had crush on each other for a while but no one had the guts to open up about it for so many different reasons. We broke free of this fear, in Canada.

This country managed to stole my heart twice! I fell in love with it’s beauty and I fell in love with HIM! I became sure of that. Every walk and every talk was a confirmation that he is where I belong and that we both belong big time to this beautiful country. His soul is as pure and beautiful as this country’s nature. His heart and the touch of his hand is as warm as Canada’s summer.

We explored our interests and our backgrounds as we explored the country. We explored it together!

We walked under the rain, we hiked, we visited locals, we ate local food, we canoed, we sang, we stayed up late in nights, we looked each other in the eye and our souls met! the more we talk, walk and laugh, the more I got attached, falling in love knowing that this is the one, and knowing that it would kill me afterwards.

My breath was taken as I hiked those highlands and as I looked him in the eye. I left my heart there and I never really got it back and I don’t think I ever will.

We came back as happy as we can be, but we brought back confusion to our relationship. Undefined. Feelings were expressed, nothing was said for a while and love was lost. Heart still left with Him and in Canada, breath still taken.

I will be forever grateful to those places we visited together, to those stories and laughs shared. To the heart that came back to life and to the soul that met it’s mate.

The long walks, the talks, the late dinners and car/bus rides, the places only we know and the moments lived in those couple of weeks. My unforgettable fairy tale that I highly wish that its ending would change with a happy, cozy one where we have one picture together again saving a moment of warmth and love as those hundreds we took before.

To Canada: Thank you, I won’t ever forget how you were nice to me.

To HIM: here are the words that you never heard from me, maybe one day I get the chance to say it out loud, but for now I will leave them here: I LOVE YOU.

 

Posted in 2017, thoughts

Notes on hope!


Hope, Anne Frank, quote
Where there is hope, there is life!

This post today is a reminder to anyone (including me) who have lost hope that it takes time & patience for you to get what you want. That is simply the 2 factors of the hope equation..

For those who have lost hope to find their true love, or for those who have already found them and lost them for different reasons this story is for us to remember that there is still hope.

#The family friend:

Our friend H. years ago was engaged to the first girl he loved, their love didn’t make it to the alter because of some family issues so they broke up. He got married later had 3 kids and she did as well and had 2 girls, lived outside the country. Years later she got divorced, came back to the country to settle with her girls, and to our surprise he got divorced too! (Not because of her)

Their kids grew up and because they were living in the same neighbourhood they ran into each other and boom! Reunited.

Now they are married and their 5 kids are best friends. Everytime I see them I just can’t believe how the universe can work in mysterious ways to bring happiness to us if only we understand that it needs time & patience and also a belief that you’ll get the happiness that you deserve eventually.

I have recently lost the opportunity to be with the one I love, whom I think he was my true love. I keep reminding myself with story and many others that maybe the universe will work it out for me the same magical way it did with them.

There is this quote by Steve Jobs where he talked about how you can connect the dots backwards. So I believe we are on a path that is leading somewhere beautiful we might not be able to see it now but we’ll get the full picture when the time is right, we’ll look back with a smile of understanding how those loses, hardtimes & failures brought us to where we are now!

I am sending love and light to the one I love. And for whoever reads this I am sending love, light & hope your way may we all get what we want soon 🙂

Posted in 2017, Diary, thoughts

Word of the day: Acknowledgment 


I can’t help but think of “what if”! What if we have acknowledged each other’s feelings?

What if we talked about what happened instead of hiding behind those fake smiles and small talks?

What if we acknowledged the fact that yes we both made a mistake, unintentionally, but we are grown ups who can handle it and act upon it, not just act fine and ignore it.

Acknowledgment would have made it easier, but we chose the hard way!

Posted in Uncategorized

Slight, unexpected, nervous breakdown


It just got out of control now, I had a slight nervous breakdown, which is indication for the how big the upcoming one will be. Which is scary, I will be back to square 1 again.

I don’t know whether it is because today I have just lost my job, not a very promising one but I hoped I could stay a little longer.

Maybe because I have put an effort into a place and it was mostly invisible. Zero appreciation from management. Total loss, & waste of time.

It might be because one of my very good friends is leaving for good. He is immigrating to a new country with whole new life, and when I looked back we were too busy enjoying our life that we almost forgot to take one good picture for us together. And am thinking what about those undocumented moments. I just don’t want them to fade with time.

Maybe because I hate change, and a lot have been changing lately. Today, losing the job; tomorrow the friend leaves and on top of that my mom’s sickness and that awful feeling that has been haunting me of losing someone close. I live every moment with only one half of my being. One half is happy living the moment and the other is sadly observing, capturing the moment in the memory for later.

I might have lost it all now because of the waiting for the unknown, I am waiting for this thing to happen which will determine the next big step in my life.

Also I have every reason to lose my mind, I am still trying to stay sane and calm. But I know if it gone a little bit further with any of the above, it will be a mess.

 

 

 

Posted in facts, memories, quotes, thoughts

Action speaks louder than words.


Action speaks louder than words.

We might have came across this quote a lot; but we don’t usually think about it or even apply it in real life.

When you experience a situation in which you are facing any type of difficulty in your life; and all what you hear from people around is I wished to be there. I really wanted to, but i couldn’t. By this time you feel how powerful and meaningful is this quote.

People don’t want to hear that you wanted to be there for them. They need to feel your existence around.

Put yourself in people’s shoes; see how it feels when you are always hearing words that were never proven; see how it feels when someone keeps letting you down.

That cause bitterness. That my friends is a bond breaker. If you happen to have a bond of trust built between you and people around. The work you do is what keeps and strengthen it not only your words.

Kindly start taking this quote into consideration & see how it will affect your life & the one’s surrounding you as well. Leave a mark in people’s heart; let your actions speak for you; that’s how you will be remembered; not by the words you texted them.

Posted in current events, Diary, facts, thoughts, travel

God’s plan for me…


I am not a religious person; not religious enough to be honest but i do believe in God and i do believe in his plan..
through my entire life which is not that long btw ( 20 something years ) I have witnessed how can we plan for something and pray for it really hard but then luckily it doesn’t happen the way you wanted because of two things whether it was really bad to you won’t help you getting any better or otherwise God has already planned for something way better ..
And am here not saying just words; writing poetry on God’s will but i have lived some situations that are a living proof of the :” better plan ” ..

let me just state some; as a matter of gratefulness to God and reminding myself as well that the current plan am asking for might be good and i’ll have it one day if not then yes i believe the best is yet to come – again not living in an ivory tower or being overly optimistic – ..

these better plans were made clear enough in my career and my personal life..
Starting with the personal one..
let me just state a fact that i am not that good when it comes to relationships; inexperienced maybe ! `not lucky enough maybe ! haven’t met the right one until now definitely .. but still the fact is am not that expert in dealing with men when it has something to do with emotions / feelings / love n bla bla

So as we stated this fact – that am not really proud of – i got used to fall for the wrong ones / the fucked up ones mostly..
and eventually i take decisions or start to have dreams and plan for something with each and everyone and the scenario starts like this :
” We talk, someone shows he care, I do as well then i have this question : ” how come you are single ? you are just awesome ” then i start to really like how is it going and how the curve of probability of having something real is getting higher; then i show do care a lot; like a lot and stating one more fact as am an expert in this are believe me 😀 men don’t like how much you do care about them; don’t show them you are really into them at the beginning cause once they felt that they run away and don’t ask honestly i don’t have a freakin’ idea why ..
so continuing the scenario I care they run away.. so am still trying to figure out what happens between ” You are just awesome & complete ignorance ”
then at this point i have already reached the spot where i really got used to talking to this guy like each and every day if not every hour / minute .. and let me just say this am not the one who triggers these conversations at the beginning so its you how took us there..
anyway as i am already choosing to be with the completely wrong ones since the beginning ignoring each and every fact that might ruin this whole thing; sometimes ignoring the fact that we won’t get along with each other for so many freakin’ reasons;
So after planning every time and having a little piece of me going away getting harder and unbreakable killing my heart more to stop falling again and never repeating the scenario

God shows me his plan; he shows me why he hasn’t approved my prayers; masks start to fall and i see the ugly face of these people; their intentions and what exactly could have happened if we took one step forward
God shows me the truth of the person who tried to break me; who wanted to take me just as another antique at his home and a lot more;
so every time am about to doubt ” God aren’t you hearing my prayers ?! and if you do then why aren’t you approving them ” just before i doubt he reveals the answer..

and for that am grateful; yes thank you i believe in your better plan even if i have been broken several times; I know you’ll make it up for me one day;
and i know that you see am still not ready enough to be in the life time relationship so you are preparing me well to it; learning step by step..

Coming to God’s plan in my career life; i am overwhelmed seriously;
as Liz Gilbert said in Eat Pray Love : ” Am a big fan of your work ”
yes I am actually..
just have a look on how is preparing me to each and every step..
considering the fact of a graduate who hasn’t dealt with real life situations enough; inexperienced; been the star of the house so i had everything i needed when i ask; never worked for something that hard; not responsible and committed enough

So i started work in a place where I learned how to deal with people and God was kind enough to put in a place with nice / helpful people at the beginning so i don’t freak out; cause if they weren’t i would have hated work and might have quit as well and never be back again..
then he gave me opportunity to move to a better place where it came a bit tougher; I have learned responsibility and complete full commitment; along with the toughness I had the nicest people around ever starting from colleagues to my assistants and my manager – which wasn’t expected – i swear the nicest ever and we are friends until now even after one year from leaving this work place..
moving to the next step; having already learned being responsible and committed; i moved to a place with less toughness a lower quality so i was like a big fish in a small pond but that helped in making me shine in the place; helping me to deal with different situations a complicated ones as they were already handling these complicated cases to me to solve
doing my job and extra ones cause they know the quality of my work and how i could get it done in 3 minutes literally;
achieving my target in staying for a workplace a bit longer than the past ones that helped me in learning to overcome my fear of routine; yes i still hate it but i gt used to it
i used to be a person who can’t keep friends; can’t keep work because i simply can’t handle dealing with people or dealing in situation for long time.. its just not me; and this wasn’t good i know; knowing that this won’t help me getting any better in my future; if i want to live a life full with success and people around i needed to learn how to stay and stop running away if something is getting closer to me;
Thanks to you God again for turning me to a better person; a better version of me;

Now because of this path; because of what i have been through; and having the ability to figure our=t what i really want in my career and what i don’t; refusing offers that sounded really good to anyone but me; God has gave me the gift of having what i want finally;
working in something i really like; getting the chance of having closer look on my favorite process on earth which is traveling; i wouldn’t have been accepted if haven’t passed through all these steps; meeting all these people getting to know different personalities; having the experience of what to say, what not to and when.. that’s a blessing

I believe in you God; I believe in your plan..
Thank you :)))

Posted in Uncategorized

What matters is to show up; only show up.


Life keeps unstoppably teaching us lessons; and one of the most recent ones I have learned was knowing the importance of showing up no matter what happened. Show Up.

Show up for the people you love.

Show up in every occasion if possible; people are respecting you enough to share important moments of their lives with you; don’t shut them off & turn your back to their invitations.

Show up because you care.

Show up because you can.

Show up because you are still alive; create a memory that lasts in your mind & in people’s one too.

– When in to comes to an end; when each & every one of us leaves this earth our bodies will fade but what will only remain is the warmth of our souls; the softness of our words; our presence back then when we had the chance; that’s the only thing that will remain the memories & moments you shared with people; that’s how you’ll be remembered & that’s how your name will live forever.

Create your own moments when you have the chance.

Show up in people’s precious moments the saddest before the happiest.

Be there for people in your life. – if you don’t please don’t expect anybody to be there for you in return anytime -.

I have learned lately to stop making excuses; I used to live in my own world; not caring that much to the importance of people around;

but then i realized that part of having a really good life is to be there whenever possible.

I used to ignore most of the outings with friends because am too happy having other stuff to do it my way; but taking a look back i noticed how disrespectful is that; why would I keep people away;

And on the other side; I have learned that no matter how much I hate a person; disregarding too many facts you have to be there in the saddest moments even if you hate this person. you still have to show up.

It matters.

Because you never wanna end as a reaction not the action itself. Showing up is good.

So be good.

that’s what life taught me; Be good; Show up, It really really matters.