Posted in 2018, challenge, current events, Diary, thoughts

The 5-Second Rule: ON! The Journey from Autopilot to Decision Maker.


Attempt to success number 1000.

Why Now?

A year and a half ago I started losing interest in life in general, work specifically, which in turn affected my level of productivity in everything else.

I barely do anything that matters. I waste my time watching Netflix, while I could spend it taking that course that I registered for online (and it was helping me big time.)

I stopped running. I stopped even taking those long evening walks that helped me refresh my mind.

I find myself googling “how to find a purpose for your life?”. And that continues almost everyday. I google motivation, inspiration, passion, etc. all those chunky words that all of a sudden lost their meaning to me.

What Triggered it?

Today, as I was watching couple of “motivational videos” on you tube, trying to get my shit together to find the ability to work. I came across this video: “The Secret to Self-Motivation“. A 22-minute video from an interview with Mel Robbins on the Impact Theory. She talked about how she lost everything in her life, how failure was shaping here present and hence her future. And so after couple of months she managed to get up, leave bed, and do the required work to get where she wanted. Simple, baby steps. Don’t hit the snooze button. Eat healthy breakfast. Look for a job. And the list goes on.

The Solution:

In the video, she mentions how she came up with a “5 second rule” that would freeze the mind from thinking, freeze all those procrastinating thoughts and change the gear from thinking and doubting to doing.

So here I am, hoping to change, willing to with every single part of my body.

I am embarking on a journey of change from Autopilot to Decision Maker.

ACTION!

I am taking one month, embarking on a journey that seems very hard to me, because it means I will silent my mind completely and get to do things that aren’t comfortable, and easy. It means pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I am breaking free of my thoughts, the cage that I have locked myself into long time now and has got me nowhere.

I am starting the 5-second rule. NOW! Am on for 1 month. I will make it 4 phases so that I don’t get disappointed and feel encouraged week after week. I will evaluate the success of this challenge at the end of every week. So by next Sunday, there should be progress.

This challenge applies on work, home, food, everything that will help me be better before the end of 2018. I want to remember this year as the year of real change, not the year I wasted wallowing, thinking of him, and the year I failed at work.

The Challenge is On! 

Duration: 16th of September – 16th of October.

I will post regular updates here, so your words of encouragement will be a great support. Also, if you came across this and you wanted to join the challenge please do let me know so that I don’t be alone this 🙂

Lets do it.

 

 

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Posted in 2018, Diary, poetry, thoughts

Perfectionists are not Allowed! #UnfinishedWork


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Somewhere only we know </3

They taught me how to say ” Astaghferu Allah”. They say it helps in the healing process.

So I remembered their words!

“Astaghferu Allah”

I get busy and bury myself in endless tasks at work.

I read your name on my mobile. I get stuck.

Eyes fixed on the screen, mind reliving our moments together.

“Astaghferu Allah”, I say.

“Focus. You have work to do, deadlines to meet. Focus.” – said the distracted mind.

I saw you. I saw you putting your arms around her as you walked down the hall.

It makes sense! She is now closer to you than I used to do. The sight of you two puts extra weight on my heart, but I push a smile anyway.

That is what they taught me. Fake it until you make it. So I try.

A sigh.

“Astaghferu Allah”

I am on my way home, I pass by your house. Your perfume “my favorite” is in the air.

Heart pounding. Heartbeats racing. Tears pouring.

I catch myself crying. Stop! Remember the smile. So I smile.

“Astaghferu Allah”

I walk. Faster steps, unsteady but fast.

I leave with no look backs for today!

I repeat “Astaghferu Allah”. They said it is a pain killer, so I overdosed it.

 

— Astaghferu Allah: is a religious saying in Islam that means Ask for God’s forgiveness, help, and support. A mean of worship that is always thought to be good to start your prayers with. —

 

DISCLAIMER: This is not the final version. It is subjected to edits that should be applied soon.

Would love to hear feedback thou! Thanks xoxo

 

Posted in 2018, Diary, health, thoughts

Sprained Ankle Vs. Amputation


Couple of months ago my aunt had a terrible accident and had to go through Amputation (removal of a limb). The after-effect of the surgery was horrifying she was in complete denial and in pain of course, but the physical pain wasn’t as bad as the psychological one.

She would stay nights screaming out of disbelief, discomfort and of shock! She was an active woman who worked hard, she was divorced and her 2 kids were already married. So she knew she would be all alone at home, paralyzed. Horrible feeling.

It was a shock to the whole family, my father was at heartbreak, he didn’t quite digest the fact that this has just happened to his older sister.

We felt sorry, we support, we visit. But only she, stays with the pain, only she who has to handle the situation.

Today, I fainted and sprained my ankle all of a sudden. Terrible feeling specially that I was home alone, it was painful. I have a doctor appointment this evening for a check-up and to see what exactly should be done. However, I know for sure that I will have to stay home for couple of days at least in addition to recovery time.

I had big plans for this week, I was just starting to commit running and becoming fit, I have a lot of stuff to be done at work and tons of stuff to be done with the family before the holiday. Just the thought of me not being able to pursue any of those drove me crazy.

After taking my breath! This situation was a pointer to the pain and the terrifying circumstances my aunt is currently living. It reminded me that there is a woman right now at her home alone, a reminder of how she feels everytime she looks at her leg.

I may be a little bit dramatic, emotional but I just wanted to share this for now.

May you never experience such situation, and may you all stay in good health.

Cheers,

Posted in 2017, Diary, facts, memories, thoughts, travel

Heart left & breath taken in Canada!


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2017 is coming to an end, and I would love to take this chance and express my gratitude for this beautiful year as I embarked on journey I never thought I would do. I experienced both good and bad moments, however I am still thankful for those bad ones. It means I have lived, experienced and learned something, I have a story to tell.

This year I traveled to Canada with a friend, a traveler who had visited the country many times before. The best travel buddy I had so far!

For couple of weeks I lived in Canada as a local. We wandered around, we drank coffee all the time, we ate burgers, we went shopping together, we laughed a lot and we fell in love. Yes we did!

It didn’t happen in one night and it didn’t start from scratch. We both had crush on each other for a while but no one had the guts to open up about it for so many different reasons. We broke free of this fear, in Canada.

This country managed to stole my heart twice! I fell in love with it’s beauty and I fell in love with HIM! I became sure of that. Every walk and every talk was a confirmation that he is where I belong and that we both belong big time to this beautiful country. His soul is as pure and beautiful as this country’s nature. His heart and the touch of his hand is as warm as Canada’s summer.

We explored our interests and our backgrounds as we explored the country. We explored it together!

We walked under the rain, we hiked, we visited locals, we ate local food, we canoed, we sang, we stayed up late in nights, we looked each other in the eye and our souls met! the more we talk, walk and laugh, the more I got attached, falling in love knowing that this is the one, and knowing that it would kill me afterwards.

My breath was taken as I hiked those highlands and as I looked him in the eye. I left my heart there and I never really got it back and I don’t think I ever will.

We came back as happy as we can be, but we brought back confusion to our relationship. Undefined. Feelings were expressed, nothing was said for a while and love was lost. Heart still left with Him and in Canada, breath still taken.

I will be forever grateful to those places we visited together, to those stories and laughs shared. To the heart that came back to life and to the soul that met it’s mate.

The long walks, the talks, the late dinners and car/bus rides, the places only we know and the moments lived in those couple of weeks. My unforgettable fairy tale that I highly wish that its ending would change with a happy, cozy one where we have one picture together again saving a moment of warmth and love as those hundreds we took before.

To Canada: Thank you, I won’t ever forget how you were nice to me.

To HIM: here are the words that you never heard from me, maybe one day I get the chance to say it out loud, but for now I will leave them here: I LOVE YOU.

 

Posted in 2017, Diary, thoughts

Word of the day: Acknowledgment 


I can’t help but think of “what if”! What if we have acknowledged each other’s feelings?

What if we talked about what happened instead of hiding behind those fake smiles and small talks?

What if we acknowledged the fact that yes we both made a mistake, unintentionally, but we are grown ups who can handle it and act upon it, not just act fine and ignore it.

Acknowledgment would have made it easier, but we chose the hard way!

Posted in current events, Diary, facts, thoughts, travel

God’s plan for me…


I am not a religious person; not religious enough to be honest but i do believe in God and i do believe in his plan..
through my entire life which is not that long btw ( 20 something years ) I have witnessed how can we plan for something and pray for it really hard but then luckily it doesn’t happen the way you wanted because of two things whether it was really bad to you won’t help you getting any better or otherwise God has already planned for something way better ..
And am here not saying just words; writing poetry on God’s will but i have lived some situations that are a living proof of the :” better plan ” ..

let me just state some; as a matter of gratefulness to God and reminding myself as well that the current plan am asking for might be good and i’ll have it one day if not then yes i believe the best is yet to come – again not living in an ivory tower or being overly optimistic – ..

these better plans were made clear enough in my career and my personal life..
Starting with the personal one..
let me just state a fact that i am not that good when it comes to relationships; inexperienced maybe ! `not lucky enough maybe ! haven’t met the right one until now definitely .. but still the fact is am not that expert in dealing with men when it has something to do with emotions / feelings / love n bla bla

So as we stated this fact – that am not really proud of – i got used to fall for the wrong ones / the fucked up ones mostly..
and eventually i take decisions or start to have dreams and plan for something with each and everyone and the scenario starts like this :
” We talk, someone shows he care, I do as well then i have this question : ” how come you are single ? you are just awesome ” then i start to really like how is it going and how the curve of probability of having something real is getting higher; then i show do care a lot; like a lot and stating one more fact as am an expert in this are believe me 😀 men don’t like how much you do care about them; don’t show them you are really into them at the beginning cause once they felt that they run away and don’t ask honestly i don’t have a freakin’ idea why ..
so continuing the scenario I care they run away.. so am still trying to figure out what happens between ” You are just awesome & complete ignorance ”
then at this point i have already reached the spot where i really got used to talking to this guy like each and every day if not every hour / minute .. and let me just say this am not the one who triggers these conversations at the beginning so its you how took us there..
anyway as i am already choosing to be with the completely wrong ones since the beginning ignoring each and every fact that might ruin this whole thing; sometimes ignoring the fact that we won’t get along with each other for so many freakin’ reasons;
So after planning every time and having a little piece of me going away getting harder and unbreakable killing my heart more to stop falling again and never repeating the scenario

God shows me his plan; he shows me why he hasn’t approved my prayers; masks start to fall and i see the ugly face of these people; their intentions and what exactly could have happened if we took one step forward
God shows me the truth of the person who tried to break me; who wanted to take me just as another antique at his home and a lot more;
so every time am about to doubt ” God aren’t you hearing my prayers ?! and if you do then why aren’t you approving them ” just before i doubt he reveals the answer..

and for that am grateful; yes thank you i believe in your better plan even if i have been broken several times; I know you’ll make it up for me one day;
and i know that you see am still not ready enough to be in the life time relationship so you are preparing me well to it; learning step by step..

Coming to God’s plan in my career life; i am overwhelmed seriously;
as Liz Gilbert said in Eat Pray Love : ” Am a big fan of your work ”
yes I am actually..
just have a look on how is preparing me to each and every step..
considering the fact of a graduate who hasn’t dealt with real life situations enough; inexperienced; been the star of the house so i had everything i needed when i ask; never worked for something that hard; not responsible and committed enough

So i started work in a place where I learned how to deal with people and God was kind enough to put in a place with nice / helpful people at the beginning so i don’t freak out; cause if they weren’t i would have hated work and might have quit as well and never be back again..
then he gave me opportunity to move to a better place where it came a bit tougher; I have learned responsibility and complete full commitment; along with the toughness I had the nicest people around ever starting from colleagues to my assistants and my manager – which wasn’t expected – i swear the nicest ever and we are friends until now even after one year from leaving this work place..
moving to the next step; having already learned being responsible and committed; i moved to a place with less toughness a lower quality so i was like a big fish in a small pond but that helped in making me shine in the place; helping me to deal with different situations a complicated ones as they were already handling these complicated cases to me to solve
doing my job and extra ones cause they know the quality of my work and how i could get it done in 3 minutes literally;
achieving my target in staying for a workplace a bit longer than the past ones that helped me in learning to overcome my fear of routine; yes i still hate it but i gt used to it
i used to be a person who can’t keep friends; can’t keep work because i simply can’t handle dealing with people or dealing in situation for long time.. its just not me; and this wasn’t good i know; knowing that this won’t help me getting any better in my future; if i want to live a life full with success and people around i needed to learn how to stay and stop running away if something is getting closer to me;
Thanks to you God again for turning me to a better person; a better version of me;

Now because of this path; because of what i have been through; and having the ability to figure our=t what i really want in my career and what i don’t; refusing offers that sounded really good to anyone but me; God has gave me the gift of having what i want finally;
working in something i really like; getting the chance of having closer look on my favorite process on earth which is traveling; i wouldn’t have been accepted if haven’t passed through all these steps; meeting all these people getting to know different personalities; having the experience of what to say, what not to and when.. that’s a blessing

I believe in you God; I believe in your plan..
Thank you :)))

Posted in 2013, Diary, memories

the moment i knew you left


Well 1st of all let me start by a wish : I do really wish from deep inside my heart that no one loses someone close to them.

Years ago I lost the dearest person in my life .. my grandma

As my mom was the youngest of her brothers & sisters, she was the closest to grandma’s heart & so did we (my brother & I), she was ready to do anything for us, she always wanted us to be the best in everything,

her place was the only place where i felt safe, even more than our own home, i remember when i was young i didn’t knew what is a “storm” all i knew was when the weather is bad & wind blowing then its time to go to stay at her place, where we always felt & knew what warmness is..

one of the happiest moments of my life was when she decides to have a sleep over with us,i still feel how was the excitement for the preparations before she arrives. my brother & i used to fight about who’s room she will stay in,

everything was too good when you were here

winter was perfect when you were here

weekends was different, you used to have all the family -sons, daughters, grand children- at your home every week,

i was strong when you were there, i always knew you got my back.

still remember the moment i knew you left, the day before i cried like i never did before & i don’t even remember why, i woke up, went to school, in the middle of the day a teacher came told me my dad was here so be ready to go now,i didn’t know why but knew there’s sth wrong, dad is here , mom not , he brought my brother too & we’re not driving back home, we are going to yours, we arrived, dad left, no one was there except the housekeeper so she told me “your grandma had a sudden heart attack and she is hospital now” i was too shocked that i didn’t even get mad at her, after a while, was calling dad & his voice is not OK,

– “dad, what’s wrong? ”

– “nothing”

– *yelling* “dad, i said what’s wrong?”

– “your grandma has died”

i said nothing & ended the call instantly

after few hours, her house started to be crowded, all family members are here, all in black, all crying, too many sad faces, – all this time i haven’t seen/talked to my mom, later when she arrived at grandma’s house i was avoiding seeing her, i knew she’d be devastated, when finally decided to go n see her, she was sitting on a bed carrying grandma’s clothes and crying hysterically calling her name, i took her between my arms and we both cried.

the whole family stayed their all night, me and dad went home to change and to be ready for the funeral at the early morning, on our way home i insisted to listen the whole story, with non-stop crying i couldn’t sleep, woke up early , wear all black for the 1st time, went to her home & for the 1st time she wasn’t there sitting on her chair smiling as usual, people were in hurry, being ready to go and have the final look on her, the whole death thing was new for me , so i was shocked, nervous, weak , feeling bitterness, & not crying too much, not believing any of what’s happening, we walked into the hospital, entered a room where she was there all covered in white, i couldn’t get any closer to her, stood at a distance where i can see her while prayers are being said, haven’t kissed her, couldn’t, i just couldn’t it was too hard for me & i regret it btw.

i went out the room, we walked in the funeral, thankfully i didn’t saw her going down, but stood there witnessing every single face with a tearful eye, my mom was sitting on a chair, she wasn’t able to move, crying n crying and i was speechless,

back to her home, too many people was there offering their condolences, all what i remember then was sawing her (grandma) coming out of the bathroom, n i heard her voice calling mom with the nickname she always used to call her by, it was like she was refusing to leave us, i know you were here, but the fact that i won’t be able to see/talk to you again is killing me, 8 years since you left & i still smell you whenever i walk into your house, 8 years and i still refuse to believe that you are gone, i refuse to believe that you will not be able to be with me in my special moments,

well grandma your grand daughter is about to graduate from college, i know you’d be happy and flying over the moon in such moment & i would have been so much happier if you were here, but i know you are already here somehow, so thank you for the most beautiful 15 years i have had with you, thank you for everything, you will always be in my heart, your story will be told and it will live forever.

sleep well grandma  ;*

Posted in 2013, Diary, thoughts

People in phases


Well from the very little experience I had in this life I could summarize people and their attitudes in life into 3 categories/phases.

Phase ǀ : denial

Phase ǁ : adaptation

Phase ǀǀǀ : leading

Those who live in the denial phase still do not want to believe that change had happened, they don’t accept the fact that their “usual” has become “exceptional” ; their surroundings has changed, their balance has been disturbed; whether because of some of their friends/family/relatives/..etc has left/moved/changed to the worse or because of their inability to adapt with the new ”technological” world, they might be denying the fact that relations mostly nowadays depend on interests/benefits only; and mainly people in this phase refuse to get away from customs and traditions they are strict to their rules.

On the other hand, people in second one the adaptation phase might have a slight difference from the denial one; as they had fought, tried & their experience led to their capability, willingness to adapt & change, they have learned the lesson, they can deal with technology, understood that people may know you just for their benefits but you gotta keep them around, learned to step forward; to throw everything behind their back unlike those in the 1st phase they are stuck in the past.

The last phase “the leading phase”; in a proper order it is the first, they are the change makers, they are on the top of the pyramid and the rest are followers; whether they are the ones who created technology or the first to use it, they aren’t scared to try, able to change for better or for worse just to reach their destiny/position, they are motivators for some followers mainly for those in the second phase; but sometimes they are the monster/nightmares for those in phase 1 as they consider them the ones who created the change, the ones who turned life upside down; they invaded the world with new thoughts/rules/traditions they are not willing to be controlled over by some stupid old rules from the past, they create their own world and followers keep trying to have the same

I believe there is another kind don’t belong to any of those which is the mix between the 3 , they are stuck in the past, willing to change and creating their own unique world but they are not followers; I think I belong to this type

Where do you belong ??

Posted in 2013, Diary, memories, thoughts

The reflex action


Everyone knows that for every action there is a reaction.

But there is not a rule which states that for this certain “action” there has to be this certain “reaction”; this rule doesn’t exist

The reaction is just a very spontaneous reflection which comes out according to what we’ve just heard or seen; it depends on the situation & the surrounding circumstances

When they try to capture this ‘reaction’ moment in movies they use stereotyping,

The majority is using the same basic idea for a ‘reaction’, for example in any of the movies if it happened &there was a death scene usually they tend to use the same ‘reaction’; the one who have just heard the bad news or saw someone dead they start crying and shouting hysterically without even giving time to this character to think about what they have just heard or seen

I’m not saying it happens in all movies but most of them tend to use stereotyping;

Yes this hysterical ‘reactions’ happen in real life but it’s not the only one,

For me I have never imagined myself in similar situations, never thought of what will happen if I was told that anybody I know is dead & as I used to think of myself as a weak person  – I always had this perception of me – falling, crying hysterically .

But when it did happen & I was told that my uncle was dead, I was surprised really surprised of my “reaction”; my family and my uncle used to live in the same building two floors away, so I used to see him a lot, when he got sick and moved to the hospital it was only couple of days then at one day we had this phone call saying its emergency you have to be at the hospital now, it was 9:00 am so my parents left & I was all alone after 2 or 3 hrs I found a cousin standing at our door, ringing the bell, I opened the door, asked her how is uncle and she replied with very low voice as if she was whispering, she was too reluctant to talk then she said it out loud “ your uncle is dead now, pray for him”; here comes the surprise, all what I did is standing with an open mouth for seconds and that’s it, no crying, no screaming, nothing of these things that we are used to, just sat down thinking of what she just said & the crying thing came afterwards at night when we were with his family after the funeral.

the same thing happened to me again in 2009,it was my first year at college & I was in the middle of my exams, when we had this shocking news; we knew my father had colon cancer, it’s diff. the way you used to deal with the word “cancer” all your life, feel sorry for these people who have it, it’s totally diff. when you have it in your own home & it happens to choose the most important person in your life, the same ‘reaction’ happened .. No crying, no screaming, no extreme attitude; all what happened is that I was under the shock, it felt like “everything is under control but actually it is not “I remained in this shock until the operation day.

At this point exactly everything was turned upside down, at first I walked into the hospital holding his hand calm and quiet, it was fine until the moment that I saw him on the troll in that blue shirt to be ready for the surgery, I burst out with tears, was crying like I have never cried before, thankfully he had the surgery done and he is fine now.

So I think I am one of those who remain under the shock for a while & then starts to realize how big the situation is & it turns out that I’m not that weak girl who will fall down the moment she hears anything bad, no I am not like the stereotyping character in movies not at all.

In fact I don’t even know whether this is good or not ??!