Posted in 2013, Diary, memories

the moment i knew you left

Well 1st of all let me start by a wish : I do really wish from deep inside my heart that no one loses someone close to them.

Years ago I lost the dearest person in my life .. my grandma

As my mom was the youngest of her brothers & sisters, she was the closest to grandma’s heart & so did we (my brother & I), she was ready to do anything for us, she always wanted us to be the best in everything,

her place was the only place where i felt safe, even more than our own home, i remember when i was young i didn’t knew what is a “storm” all i knew was when the weather is bad & wind blowing then its time to go to stay at her place, where we always felt & knew what warmness is..

one of the happiest moments of my life was when she decides to have a sleep over with us,i still feel how was the excitement for the preparations before she arrives. my brother & i used to fight about who’s room she will stay in,

everything was too good when you were here

winter was perfect when you were here

weekends was different, you used to have all the family -sons, daughters, grand children- at your home every week,

i was strong when you were there, i always knew you got my back.

still remember the moment i knew you left, the day before i cried like i never did before & i don’t even remember why, i woke up, went to school, in the middle of the day a teacher came told me my dad was here so be ready to go now,i didn’t know why but knew there’s sth wrong, dad is here , mom not , he brought my brother too & we’re not driving back home, we are going to yours, we arrived, dad left, no one was there except the housekeeper so she told me “your grandma had a sudden heart attack and she is hospital now” i was too shocked that i didn’t even get mad at her, after a while, was calling dad & his voice is not OK,

– “dad, what’s wrong? ”

– “nothing”

– *yelling* “dad, i said what’s wrong?”

– “your grandma has died”

i said nothing & ended the call instantly

after few hours, her house started to be crowded, all family members are here, all in black, all crying, too many sad faces, – all this time i haven’t seen/talked to my mom, later when she arrived at grandma’s house i was avoiding seeing her, i knew she’d be devastated, when finally decided to go n see her, she was sitting on a bed carrying grandma’s clothes and crying hysterically calling her name, i took her between my arms and we both cried.

the whole family stayed their all night, me and dad went home to change and to be ready for the funeral at the early morning, on our way home i insisted to listen the whole story, with non-stop crying i couldn’t sleep, woke up early , wear all black for the 1st time, went to her home & for the 1st time she wasn’t there sitting on her chair smiling as usual, people were in hurry, being ready to go and have the final look on her, the whole death thing was new for me , so i was shocked, nervous, weak , feeling bitterness, & not crying too much, not believing any of what’s happening, we walked into the hospital, entered a room where she was there all covered in white, i couldn’t get any closer to her, stood at a distance where i can see her while prayers are being said, haven’t kissed her, couldn’t, i just couldn’t it was too hard for me & i regret it btw.

i went out the room, we walked in the funeral, thankfully i didn’t saw her going down, but stood there witnessing every single face with a tearful eye, my mom was sitting on a chair, she wasn’t able to move, crying n crying and i was speechless,

back to her home, too many people was there offering their condolences, all what i remember then was sawing her (grandma) coming out of the bathroom, n i heard her voice calling mom with the nickname she always used to call her by, it was like she was refusing to leave us, i know you were here, but the fact that i won’t be able to see/talk to you again is killing me, 8 years since you left & i still smell you whenever i walk into your house, 8 years and i still refuse to believe that you are gone, i refuse to believe that you will not be able to be with me in my special moments,

well grandma your grand daughter is about to graduate from college, i know you’d be happy and flying over the moon in such moment & i would have been so much happier if you were here, but i know you are already here somehow, so thank you for the most beautiful 15 years i have had with you, thank you for everything, you will always be in my heart, your story will be told and it will live forever.

sleep well grandma  ;*

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